The Cupid War Page 2

  Fallon waited. There was nothing else to do. The hearts stared back at him from the walls, mocking him.

  “Tryin’ to bail already?”

  Fallon shifted his perspective to the speaker, who’d arrived behind him. Like Bud, he wore a skin-tight stocking, but his was a darker pink and had a red heart as a chest emblem. He looked older than Bud, more weatherbeaten, like a man who’s seen it all and probably doesn’t approve. His hair was dark and military-short, and his eyes were a sharp green.

  Bud appeared through the wall behind him. “Guess he moved around a bit,” he said. “Louis, meet Richard Fallon. Richard, meet Louis Baker.”

  “Call me Fallon,” Fallon said.

  “I’ll call you whatever I like,” Louis replied. “You call me Mr. Baker or sir, got that? Now, let’s get you prepped and ready to work with a new body.”

  “New body?” Fallon asked.

  “Well, you’re not thinkin’ of goin’ around like that, are ya?” Louis asked with a hint of a snicker. “You need one of these”—he poked himself—“if you’re going to be of any use to me.”

  “But I thought … ” Fallon stopped. What was the point? He clearly didn’t know the rules here. “Okay, fine. Give me a body.”

  “Ever heard of the word ‘please’?” Louis said. “Dead teenagers, I tell ya. No respect.”

  “Okay,” Fallon said. “Mr. Baker, sir, may I please, pretty please, have a body so I can do the job you want me to do?”

  “What have I told you about lip?” Bud said.

  Louis turned to the Soul Reaper. “Bud, why don’t you go get the protomatter while I tell the newbie here how we do things?”

  “You got it,” Bud replied, and he smiled an evil smile at Fallon before vanishing into the wall.

  “You think you’re something special, don’t you?” Louis returned his attention to Fallon. “Yeah, I get your type all the time.”

  If Fallon had eyes, he would have rolled them. If this was the man responsible for the world’s love, little wonder there were so many divorces.

  “Let me guess,” he said. “You’re gonna show me that I’m nothing. I’m going to learn what hard work really is, and you’re gonna be my teacher. I’ve heard it all.”

  “Not yet, you haven’t,” Louis replied. “You’re in my world now, boy, and my world’s no place for slackers who aren’t willing to put in a day’s work. You think the universe revolves around you?”

  As Louis bore into him with a well-practiced lecture about hard work and making something of himself, Fallon tried to tune him out. He couldn’t, however; Louis’s words reminded him of his father’s lectures, especially the one he’d received after quitting his first and only job.

  Back in eleventh grade, Fallon had landed a position in the produce department of a new grocery superstore. Six weeks later, he’d quit in disgust. The store managers had completely unrealistic work expectations, and they’d treated all the new hires with contempt. Fallon’s supervisor, a fat little troll named Carmella Lanniki, had been particularly abusive, offering vague directions and then ranting when things weren’t done properly. Fallon had left in the middle of one such rant, waving his middle finger behind his back.

  His father had not been amused. And when Fallon told him about the abusive conditions at the store, he did not find a sympathetic ear.

  “You can’t go through life giving up every time things get hard,” his father had said. “Do you think the world revolves around you? Should everything come to a stop just because you’re not happy with the way you’re being treated? That won’t happen, son.”

  “But Dad … ”

  “Your mother left us when things got tough,” his father had said. “If you don’t want to turn out like her, you’d better get your act together.”

  As Louis chewed him out, Fallon couldn’t help but think that his dad (and, quite possibly, Carmella) was having the last laugh.

  “Are you done?” he cut in, knowing full well that Louis was not. “I really don’t need you to tell me how important you think you are. And as for respect? You want it, earn it. I’ve had my fill of jerks, thank you very much.”

  Louis’s upper lip curled into a sneer, but Fallon was completely unafraid. Sure, he was in Louis’s world, but what could the guy really do to him? Fallon was dead, and not getting any deader.

  “You watch your mouth,” Louis said. “Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t get hurt.”

  Before Fallon could wonder if Louis had read his thoughts, Bud came back with a solid cube of pink matter.

  “Your new body,” Bud said, tossing the cube at Fallon.

  As soon as the cube made contact, it flowed all around Fallon’s soul like hot liquid metal. He fell to the floor as gravity suddenly reintroduced itself, and he felt himself forming. Arms and legs sprouted out of him, followed by his new head. In moments it was over; his new body was fully grown.

  Fallon pulled his new self together and stood up. He felt different—lighter, for one thing. He didn’t feel as free as he had when he’d been a soul, but it was lots better than his previous existence.

  He felt his face, and wondered if it looked the same as when he’d been alive. There were no mirrors around, so there was no way to tell.

  “How do I look?” he asked his silent audience.

  “Like a dweeb,” Bud said. “But don’t take it too hard. All Cupids look like dweebs.”

  “Hey,” said Louis, giving Bud a good-natured punch on the arm.

  “Come on, your guys wear pink and have red hearts on your chests,” Bud said. “What other word is there?”

  At that, Fallon looked down. He was indeed clad in a pink suit with a red heart on his chest. It was skin-tight, leaving nothing to the imagination. He had an average build, with arms and legs slightly bigger and more muscled than when he’d been alive. Something, however, seemed to be missing …

  “Hey!” Fallon cried. “I have no … where’s my … ”

  Louis and Bud burst out laughing. Fallon felt between his legs to see if he’d missed it, but there was nothing. The sight of him searching made his audience laugh even harder.

  “I was wondering when he was gonna notice,” Bud said as he turned and walked through the wall behind him. “He’s all yours, Louis.”

  3

  Come on, joke’s over,” Fallon said with barely concealed anger. “You’ve had your fun, now stop being a jerk and give me my missing … parts.”

  Louis sniggered a moment longer. Then his face grew serious.

  “Never call me a jerk,” Louis said, and he raised his arms and pointed his fingers at Fallon. Electric bolts fired from his fingertips and hit Fallon in his brand-new shoulder. Fallon jumped in surprise and mild pain, like he’d just received a static electricity shock.

  “Just a little taste of what you’ll get if you give me any more attitude,” Louis said, pointing his thumb and index finger like a gun. “You want another demonstration?”

  Before Fallon could answer, Louis fired off another bolt. This one hit Fallon right between the eyes and knocked him back a few inches.

  “Hey!” Fallon said. “Quit it!”

  “Gotta have discipline,” Louis said. “Otherwise there’d be too many like you messing with me. You gonna be good?” Fallon nodded stiffly, and Louis lowered his hand.

  “If you could have shocked me all this time,” Fallon asked, “why didn’t you … ”

  “Not until you had a body,” Louis said. “Come with me and I’ll fill you in on what you need to know.”

  Louis walked into one of the pink walls and disappeared. Fallon, half expecting the room to follow him again, took a tentative step forward. The wall got closer; it seemed he was well and truly one of them now. He walked confidently forward into the wall and smacked himself against it.<
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  “Ow,” he said.

  “Forgot to tell ya.” Louis stuck his head back through. “Ya haveta think your way through walls like these.”

  “Okay,” Fallon said. “How do I do that?”

  “With your mind, dum-dum.”

  “Do all newly dead people have to go through this?” he asked.

  “Nope,” Louis replied. “Just the ones with attitude. Now smarten up and come with me.” Louis stepped backward and his head vanished again.

  “If this isn’t Hell,” Fallon muttered, “please send me there. It’s gotta be better than this.”

  He tried thinking his way through, and stepped through the wall with no trouble. Then he did a double take; the next room wasn’t a room at all, but a palace. He stood beneath a huge pink dome that stretched from the wall behind him off into a near-infinite distance. A big red heart was superimposed on the dome’s ceiling, and the area beneath it bustled with activity. There were rows upon rows of big red cubes. People in pink outfits were walking around and in between those cubes, on a floor of solid white.

  “This is the Cupid Center, our main headquarters,” Louis said, walking over to the nearest red cube. “I keep track of all the Cupids, where they’re placed, what they’re doing. All that stuff. You see this?” He patted the cube next to him. It was the size of a refrigerator, taller than any of the others. “This is what Love looks like. Pure, uncorrupted Love.”

  “That’s … love?” Fallon said, approaching slowly. On closer inspection, the cube looked like a big block of fudge.

  “That’s what I said,” Louis told him. Then, to Fallon’s surprise and horror, he broke off a chunk and started snacking.

  “What,” Fallon asked, “are you doing?”

  “Recharging,” Louis replied, taking another bite.

  “Uh huh,” Fallon said. “Are you going to start making sense anytime soon?” He braced himself for another electric shock, and he was not disappointed. He gritted his teeth and managed to keep from crying out, but just barely.

  “That ain’t your old body, kiddo,” Louis said. “Can’t go for cheeseburgers like you used to. Your new body’s a Cupid body, and the only thing you can eat is this.” Louis ripped another chunk of Love off the cube and tossed it to Fallon. “Eat that. All first timers get one bite for free to get them started. The rest, you gotta earn.”

  Fallon looked at the brick of Love in his hands and thought about all that had been said and written about love throughout the ages. All the sonnets, poems, and greeting cards, and all the boy-band songs. Love, he’d heard, was the answer. God is love, the spiritualists said. Love made the world go ’round, love is the most powerful force in the universe.

  Fallon wondered if all those things would have been said if the speakers knew that love was a bunch of big chunks of red fudge.

  He took a bite. The Love had a syrupy texture, and tasted like corn and cheese. That figures, he thought.

  “Like it?” Louis asked. “Well, better get used to it. That’s all you get to eat, forever.”

  Fallon popped the rest into his mouth. I’ll get bored of this real quick, he thought. “So, how do I get my own Love?”

  “Ya gotta earn it, like I said,” Louis told him. “Learn to listen. Now come with me.”

  Louis walked off at a brisk clip, and Fallon followed him. They walked for ages down the rows of Love, not stopping or even slowing down. Fallon thought he’d be tired, but that didn’t seem to be a problem for his new body.

  They walked the entire way in silence. Fallon had a lot of questions, such as where did the Love come from, but he didn’t particularly want to talk to Louis. If there was something he needed to know to do his job, Louis would tell him in his own time.

  Finally, they arrived at the far end of the domed enclosure. There were several rounded arches built into the wall; to Fallon, they resembled doorways, but the space inside the arches looked as solid as the rest of the wall.

  “Gonna ask me what these are?” Louis asked, indicating the arches with a flick of his head.

  “Okay,” Fallon said, making an effort not to roll his eyes. “What are they?”

  “Portals,” Louis said. “They transport you from here to the place where you’re gonna work.”

  “Gotcha,” Fallon said. “Walk through one and you’re somewhere else, like a teleporter.”

  “Teleporter?” Louis said. “What are you, a geek? They’re portals, like I said. Gonna ask me how they work?”

  “How do they work?” Fallon asked, gritting his teeth. He was getting mighty sick of this guy.

  “You stand at a portal and think of where you wanna go,” Louis told him as he walked to the nearest one. “The portal takes that information and makes a doorway to the place.” As he spoke, the pink part of the wall enclosed by the portal’s arch shimmered and took on a blue hue. “Blue means you’re ready to go. The doorway stays open until another Cupid thinks up some other place.”

  “So if I wanted to go to New York,” Fallon said, “it would … ”

  “You’re not going to New York,” Louis said. “You’re here to work, remember? Follow me and we’ll get you started.”

  Louis stepped into the portal and vanished into the blue. Fallon made a rude gesture behind his back, then followed.

  4

  They appeared back in the world, inside a large grocery store. Fallon recognized it immediately; it was the store where he used to work.

  “Can this day get any worse?” he said. “Louis, why are we here?”

  “This was part of your life,” Louis replied. “We always train new Cupids in a place that’s familiar. Makes it easier.”

  “Won’t people see us?” Fallon asked, wrapping his arms over the heart on his chest. The last thing he wanted was to be seen by someone he knew in this outfit.

  “Didn’t I tell ya?” Louis said. “We exist on a different level than this world does. Something to do with vibration. I don’t wanna get into it. Basically, it means we’re invisible and can’t touch nothing. Come on, let’s go find Caleb.”

  They set off through the store. Louis walked through display stands, shopping carts, and even people as if they weren’t there. Fallon found himself walking around the things and people in his way. Old habits from life were hard to break.

  However, the people he was avoiding did not seem to notice him at all. Plus, when he backed out of the way of a shopping cart, he found himself in the middle of another. The man pushing that cart walked straight through him, leaving Fallon weirded out but unharmed. There was no sensation at all.

  “O-kay,” he said. “That was interesting.”

  He wanted to experiment with his new-found insubstantialness, but knew he’d get another shock if he didn’t keep up with Louis. He turned in the direction his new boss had been walking, but Louis was nowhere to be seen.

  Fallon let off a most uncupidlike curse, then hurried off in search. There was an aisle of fresh vegetables ahead, which Fallon had stocked once upon a life. Louis might have walked through that, so he hurried to do the same.

  He emerged on the other side of the aisle, passing through jumbo packs of napkins and toilet paper. He looked around for Louis, but still couldn’t see him.

  What he could see stopped him dead in his tracks. Becky, his ex-girlfriend, was walking toward him, idly pushing a cart. Her mother walked along behind, scanning the aisles for items.

  Fallon realized it was probably only the morning after his death here in the living world. His body might not have been identified yet, so Becky didn’t know he was dead.

  “Beck … ” he said, not moving as her cart started to pass through him. He reached out a hand to touch her hair, but he could not. Becky and her mother walked through him, never noticing he was there.

  Fallon turned, watching them go. He won
dered how she would feel when she finally did learn of his untimely passing. They’d had a pretty good thing going before Susan arrived and ruined everything. If only he’d told Susan to buzz off when he’d first met her. If only he’d tried harder to make things work out. Fallon watched Becky and her mother turn the corner and vanish from view, and wished for what could never be.

  Then an electric jolt struck him, and he fell to his knees.

  “You got hearing problems, mister?” Louis said as he stormed over to him. “I told you to come with me, and as soon as I turn my back, you go off cruisin’ for chicks.”

  “I lost you,” Fallon said as he stood back up.

  “Learn to keep up,” Louis said, giving him another shock. “You’re not here to goof off, you’re … ”

  “ … here to work, I know,” Fallon said.

  “You better,” Louis said. “Now let’s go find Caleb.”

  “Right here, Louis.”

  Fallon and Louis turned to see a large man in a pink Cupid uniform casually walking toward them. He was tall, dark-skinned, and bearded, with a serious face but a fun, knowing spark in his eyes.

  “Still tormenting the newcomers, I see,” Caleb went on as he approached. “I’m amazed you have any life force left.”

  “I have enough for you, Caleb,” Louis warned. “So watch it.”

  Caleb seemed to regard the threat with amusement. He turned his attention to Fallon and extended a large hand.

  “Welcome to the Cupids,” he said. “I’m Caleb Williams.”

  “I’m Fallon.”

  “His name’s Richard Fallon,” Louis said.

  “Do you prefer Richard or Fallon?” Caleb asked.

  “Fallon,” he replied. “I hate Richard. And especially Ricky.”

  “Nobody cares,” Louis said. “And you’ll call him Mr. Williams.”